Trauma bonding looks a lot like love in the early days of a relationship due to the intense affection and "love-bombing" techniques used early in a...
Trauma bonding looks a lot like love in the early days of a relationship due to the intense affection and "love-bombing" techniques used early in a relationship.But how can you tell if it's love or trauma bonding? One of the 8 ways to identify trauma bonding is the love-abuse-love cycle that an abuser uses.Another way to identify this is when you start making excuses for their behavior and claiming that you did something to bring on that behavior. You're walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, and you just don't know who you are anymore.If this sounds familiar, you most likely have a trauma bond with your abuser. Keep reading to learn more.
You know that feeling when you first get together with someone? You have to be with the person always, holding hands and expressing an overabundance of love and desire with each other, right?In a healthy relationship, this usually doesn't happen a day or two days after meeting someone. In fact, it can take quite a while for a relationship to progress this far.If your relationship started out quickly and became intense almost immediately, chances are your partner was looking for someone to manipulate and control rather than have a companion.Examples of this intensity might include the following:
These intense demonstrations of love early in the relationship don't always mean that there's a trauma bond, as some people just naturally belong together.It's when you experience abuse or mistreatment that signifies a trauma bond might exist.Enter your text here ...
Another way to identify trauma bonding is when you experience a love-abuse-love cycle. Things are going great, you're having a great time, and you're thinking, "Wow. They really have changed."Then, they abuse you in one way or another.After the abuse is over and some time has passed, they apologize and show intense displays of love. They might take you out for a fancy dinner or lavish expensive gifts on you.Then, the cycle starts again, and you're stuck in a never-ending cycle of abuse. This creates a trauma bond due to intermittent positive reinforcement.
In a healthy relationship, conflicts are dealt with civilly and with love and understanding. Bad moods or upsetting things aren't a trigger for abuse.But if you're in an unhealthy relationship and have a trauma bond with an abusive person, a bad mood is a trigger for abuse.So if you feel like you're constantly watching your moods or avoiding saying the wrong thing so you don't trigger abuse, you're walking on eggshells.In a trauma-bonded relationship, a victim constantly monitors their partner's moods to avoid abuse. If this is how your relationship feels, it might be time to seek a counselor to help you.
Continuing the last point, a trauma bond victim consistently makes excuses for their abuser's behavior, which might look like the following:"He wouldn't have had to hit me if I didn't talk back to him.""I know she didn't mean it. She's having a rough time right now.""If I would have just had sex with him, he wouldn't have raped me."The trauma bond keeps victims from fully blaming their abuser and instead makes them blame themselves for the abuse.
A trauma bond messes with your mind because you don't see the abuse as abuse. So you rationalize the bad things that happen and blame yourself for not avoiding them.Or you might think that if you were better at the finances, or housekeeping, or whatever, then you wouldn't have been yelled at or hit.The abuser blames you for everything, and instead of rejecting that blame, you accept and believe it.This allows the abuser to be justified in their behavior towards you.
Part of a trauma bond is that there are not always bad times. The good times are great, which is what bonds you to the person.Loving attention gives you a high similar to a cocaine or heroin addiction, and increases your dopamine production, making it much more difficult to leave the relationship.While you're abused and belittled, you stay because you want the good times to occur more often.If the abuser never gave you loving attention, it would be easier to write off the relationship and leave. But in a trauma bond, the intermittent positive reinforcement keeps you suffering the abuse.
An abusive person is often a narcissist or someone who needs to control every situation and contact. This might mean that they force or manipulate you to isolate yourself from family and friends.Or it might be that you self-isolate due to hiding the abuse from those who love you and want the best for you.But whatever the case is, a consequence of a trauma bond is often isolation from family and friends.So if you feel ashamed or unable to talk or spend time with them, you might have a trauma bond.
An abuser's goal is to wear the victim down to the point of them pushing their identity down so much that they don't even know who they are anymore.For example, say the victim used to be outgoing and friendly before getting into a trauma-bonded relationship.But throughout the relationship, the abuser told the victim several disparaging things about their character and beat them down emotionally and mentally.At the end of their relationship, the victim was shy, withdrawn, and a shell of their former self.If you feel like you've lost your identity and you have no idea who you are anymore because of the relationship, you might have a trauma bond.
Trauma bonding is often confused with love, and if you don't know the signs to look for, you might think you've found "the one."Victims often realize too late that they're in a toxic relationship. Remember, the signs of trauma bonding include the following:
When you can recognize the signs, you can start your healing journey and, hopefully, find a healthy relationship in the future.
What is the goal of trauma counseling?
Trauma can feel like you're carrying a heavy, invisible backpack full of painful memories. It's exhausting, and it can be difficult to move forward. The goal of counseling isn't to get rid of the backpack immediately. It's to help you gently unpack it, one item at a time, so you can feel lighter and more confident. Trauma counseling focuses on helping you safely process traumatic experiences, reduce distressing symptoms, and regain a sense of control over your life.
We believe you have the power to live a life that is full and rewarding, and we are here to help you get there.
How can a counselor help me with my trauma?
Trauma can feel like you're in a movie with a strange script and a set of rules that no one else can see. Counseling helps you find your footing in a world that can feel confusing and overwhelming. A therapist specializing in trauma is trained to help you understand how trauma affects the brain and body, including symptoms related to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
We work together to help you understand your thoughts and feelings, build a sense of self, and find a sense of peace and security. Trauma therapy may also support healing related to grief, loss, and therapy for grief and trauma that overlap after painful life events.
What are some common signs of trauma?
Trauma is a deeply personal journey, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. It's a bit like a fingerprint—it's unique to you. You may feel a mix of sadness, anger, guilt, emotional numbness, or even fear. Other signs may include hypervigilance, difficulty sleeping, intrusive memories, avoidance, or feeling disconnected from others—especially after traumatic events.
We want you to know that whatever you're feeling is valid. We provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to process your emotions. You are not alone in this, and we're here to help you every step of the way.
How do I begin to heal from my trauma?
Healing from trauma can feel like trying to fix a broken bone without a cast—it’s difficult and painful without the right support. We want to be your support. The healing process often begins by recognizing that what you experienced was overwhelming and that your reactions make sense.
We'll work with you to process the past trauma and find new ways to cope with the stress and fear. With the right trauma therapist and mental health care, healing is possible—even after complex trauma.
