What is trauma bonding? Previously known as Stockholm Syndrome, trauma bonding is...
What is trauma bonding? Previously known as Stockholm Syndrome, trauma bonding is the attachment that a victim feels for their abuser because of the love-abuse-love cycle that happens.This makes an abusive relationship very difficult to leave because the victim always has this hope that things will get better.The victim is also attached to their abuser through trauma bonding.While this usually occurs within romantic relationships, it can also happen within parent-child bonds, employee-employer dynamics, cults, and other relationships where one person is in an authority position.Victims that experience trauma bonding can lose their self-esteem, sense of reality, and identity.They can also have deep-seated mental issues that, if they don't address them, can cause several problems coping with life.But why does trauma bonding occur?
Trauma bonding happens when the abuser shows their victim love and affection after the abuse. The abuser might buy an expensive gift, take the victim out for a luxurious evening, or even give the victim the loving attention they so desperately crave. Then the cycle continues, and eventually, the victim forms a bond with their abuser because they hope the person will change somehow. An attachment forms during the reconciliation phase, making them feel safe. This safety gives the victim a false sense that everything is okay and things will finally change. Because the victim wants to feel loved and cared for, they stay even though they know the relationship isn't healthy.
Trauma bonding shows up when you least expect it, especially if you're in an abusive relationship. But how do you know if you're experiencing trauma bonding?
While there are many signs and symptoms of trauma bonding, here are the most common:
Also, if you feel like you and your partner are "soulmates," even though you're abused often, you have a trauma bond.
However, not all abusive situations result in trauma bonding. But if you feel a deep affection for the person and find it difficult to leave, you're likely experiencing a trauma bond.
If you're in this situation, you might not recognize that you're being abused.
You might have made excuses for your partner's behavior for so long, or you might have believed your partner's lies for so long you might not recognize an abusive situation.
Put simply, abuse is to "use or treat something or someone improperly for another's benefit or gain."
If you're hurt or injured in any way, whether it's physical, psychological, financial, or spiritual, and it benefits your abuser or gives them control, it's abuse.
For example, a woman was in a relationship with a man with an overactive sex drive. At least, that's how she saw it.
He would have anal sex with her while she was sleeping because she wouldn't do it while awake. At least, that was what he told her.
She started believing him and felt ashamed that she couldn't do what he wanted.
Her view was that he was "taking advantage of her" rather than what it really was–rape. When she finally opened her eyes to this, she created an escape plan.
If you're making excuses for getting hit, raped, belittled, or humiliated, that's abuse. Nothing more, nothing less.
And if you feel like you're to blame for the abuser's behavior, emotions, or actions, it's abuse–it's not your fault.
Whether you've left the abusive situation or not, breaking the trauma bond first requires you to realize that you're not to blame for the abuse.
Create a journal about what you're experiencing and the patterns you're seeing. However, you might need to hide it if your abuser constantly needs to know what you write or do.
If you trust them, talk to others, such as your family members or friends, about your situation and ask them their perspectives.
Don't blame yourself for your abuser's actions. Humans make mistakes, but the mistakes are never so bad as to warrant abuse.
Practice self-care, which might be as simple as stepping outside for a few minutes of fresh air and breathing deeply.
Talk with a trauma-trained counselor, such as here at Overcomer's Counseling.
Someone that's trained in healing trauma can help you heal from the trauma bond and go on to live a healthier life.
Trauma bonding can be very confusing, especially if you aren't able to recognize the abuse. It can create low self-esteem, emotional numbness, and losing who they are.
If you've identified with any of this and you think you might have a trauma bond, it's best to seek help from a certified therapist who can help you work through the issues you have.
They can also point you in the direction you may need to go if you're currently in an abusive relationship.
I am a Licensed Professional Counselor, and owner of Overcomers Counseling. I'm dedicated to helping individuals find strength and healing through life’s challenges. With a deep understanding of mental health and years of professional experience, I specialize in fostering hope and resilience while equipping her clients with tools to thrive. Passionate about empowering others, she creates a safe, supportive space where everyone feels seen, valued, and capable of overcoming obstacles on their path to well-being.
Develop a self-soothing toolkit filled with comforting items or activities that can help calm and ground you during challenging moments. Utilize grounding and relaxation techniques to manage overwhelming emotions, and reach out to your support network for reassurance and encouragement.
Anyone who has experienced trauma, whether it's a single event or prolonged exposure, can benefit from trauma-informed care. This approach is particularly helpful for individuals with a history of childhood abuse, domestic violence, natural disasters, accidents, or combat-related trauma.
The effects of childhood trauma can include anxiety, depression, addiction, and difficulty in relationships.
Work with your therapist to develop coping strategies and desensitization techniques to help reduce the impact of triggers related to everyday situations or objects.
If you feel that your therapist is not respecting your boundaries, address the issue openly and assertively.
If the issue persists, consider seeking a different trauma-informed counselor who aligns better with your needs and values.
To find a therapist who specializes in trauma-informed care, you can search online directories, ask for recommendations from friends or family members, or contact local mental health organizations. It's essential to choose a therapist who is trained and experienced in working with clients who have experienced trauma.
